Ian’s Story
*name has been changed to protect patient privacy
I was twenty—maybe twenty-one—the first time I attempted suicide.
I took a bottle of Tylenol PM with me into the bathroom, and I lost track after downing maybe 80 pills. It’d been a good run, and I was cool with dying, so I went out to lay on the couch and wait. I don’t know how long it took, but eventually I started throwing up violently. It went on for three or four hours… It might’ve been longer. I’ve never been so sick, but eventually it ended.
I couldn’t even kill myself right.
That was years ago, in college. At the time, just the thought of surviving to thirty seemed like an unlikely dream because suicidal thoughts were a constant part of my life. Somehow I stayed alive, and eventually I became an educator. Thinking of suicide was normal for me, and I accepted that as my reality.
For the past decade, I’ve found myself working in therapeutic environments with students facing a lot of the same challenges that I’ve faced myself. It’s complicated, because they’ll complain about taking their meds and say I can’t possibly understand what they’re going through… but I’ve taken all those same meds myself, and failed on all of them.
That’s how I learned about ketamine therapy, actually. Through my students. One of them had the worst suicidal ideation I’d ever seen — which is saying something — and there were times when they would just disappear for days at a time into some dark place… Then they started doing IV ketamine treatments with Dr. Sturges and things changed. Six months later, I saw my student walking in a parade with a local organization looking happy and healthy. I wanted to understand how the person I’d known had come so far.
I talked with Dr. Sturges about ketamine treatment for myself at the time, but the cost was more than I could imagine being able to afford. Still, the idea of psychedelics seemed very promising and I explored different kinds of self-treatment, from micro-dosing with mushrooms to an ayahuasca ceremony with a shaman. I never got more than bursts of relief, though.
I was coming to Sturges Family Practice regularly this entire time, where Erika Sullivan was my primary care provider. She’s not a judgmental person, and I was very open with her about my journey. One day, she said, “I think we have something that might work, and you’re the first person I thought of.”
She explained there was this new kind of treatment, which delivers a form of ketamine — esketamine — using a nasal spray. A treatment that’s covered by health insurance.
That’s how I became the pilot patient for Spravato at Sturges Family Practice.
This is the first time in my adult life that I haven’t been dealing with suicidal ideation all day long. There’s joy again. I was functioning, but there’s a big difference between surviving because you have to and actually experiencing joy.
So I’m learning how to feel joy again.
Therapy has been a huge part of that. For me, the sweet spot is seeing my therapist within 72 hours of a treatment. I feel like someone who’s had a stroke learning how to speak and walk again, except I’m learning how to live life in a healthy way. I’ve had to retrain my mind and my approach to things because I was constantly engulfed by negativity. That was just my first go-to.
Now it’s like a veil has ripped off, and that has been hard in some ways… there are feelings that I’d spent years trying to lock way, and now they’re free and I’ll never be able to close them off again. Spravato was my vehicle for breaking through a wall and there’s a lot to deal with. There’s intergenerational trauma that’s been handed down to me like muscle memory.
Now I get to make the choice whether to keep carrying it.
I’ve done the leg work, and I’ve worked my tail off to get here, but Spravato gave me the ability to see things in a different way.
I want to tell anyone considering Spravato that I’ve had a really incredible experience. The people at Sturges Family Practice are just awesome. I know ketamine treatment may seem scary, but the way they’re able to approach things here… it’s amazing.
When I first told Dr. Sturges about my experiences with ayahuasca and psychedelics, he didn’t look at me like there was something wrong with me. Instead, he started asking me questions about how they made me feel. It turned into this really nuanced conversation about psychedelics and health care.
There are so many places where if you’d said something like that, you’d get written off.
I’m just not used to talking with my family doctor about stuff like this, but Dr. Sturges’ willingness to engage is incredible. There’s this tremendous open-mindedness, and a complete lack of judgement.
There are a lot of old school practitioners out there who would never go down this road. I learned a long time ago that’s not always safe to admit how depressed you are because people start freaking out. My normal scared them, and made them uncomfortable.
At Sturges Family Practice, there’s a lack of shock that makes it possible to be honest.
I’d felt like I was trapped and alone on an island that nobody else could see. But Spravato exists and it’s for people like me — people who’ve shared my experiences. It’s comforting to know that there are others out there who understand what I’ve gone through, because I’ve felt judged more times than I can count.
Getting help is a double edged sword, and depression is sort of a scarlet letter. People are quick to judge what they don’t understand. They get scared.
Years ago, someone asked me what my greatest accomplishment was. I thought about it — about telling them about my degree, for example — but I realized that the best answer was staying alive. I shouldn’t be here after taking 80 Tylenol PM, but here I am.
There’s been some angels who have had their hands on me.
Now I feel like I’m coming alive every single day. My ability to deal with hard things has gotten so much better. I’m able to navigate my world with a fresh new set of eyes…
I’m not in survival mode any more.
*name has been changed to protect patient privacy
